I came to know pain, fear, and hurt in many different forms. I lost my father, whom I cherished and loved. Then I lost my pet, which also was very painful. Running away from home at age fourteen brought feelings of confusion and fear, yet it also brought a new feeling of freedom.

Somewhere in the midst of my "freedom," I met my first husband, who loved me and gave me all that I wanted. I was truly happy - and determined to show everyone that I had made a good choice, despite all their warnings. Today when I look in the mirror to brush my hair, I try to cover the scars he left me with.

Soon after our marriage, I discovered I was a prisoner in my own home. Power controlled and fed him; every punch and kick made him stronger. His facial expressions showed his power, and with every punch it seemed as if he could see himself in a mirror - strong, violent, king, and master of his home and of me. The more powerful he felt the harder his punches were.

Once the darkness came, he would hold me and say he was sorry. He would fall to the floor and cry like a child, frightened and wanting forgiveness. I watched him as he wiped the blood off my face, as he rubbed my bruises. His tears and words compelled me to forgive him and hold him. I felt responsible for him.

We had a son, and things seemed better until my husband became jealous of my attention to my son. "I come first," he said kicking our month-old son as I fed him. I heard my little one scream; his ribs were hurt, and suddenly, at such a tender age, he learned to express pain. I became enraged and sat still, staring at this man in the face and telling him, "Beat me, go ahead, beat me until you are happy!" The next day I could barely open my swollen eyes.

At the age of seventeen I was too naïve to know how to escape. He would come home unexpectedly and find things missing, obvious things like my son's pictures, things that would indicate I had plans of leaving. He would laugh loudly and punch me saying, "You will never get away. I own you."

In 1972 I did get away. I locked myself in a room and waited until I thought he would be tired of looking for me and go back to his hometown. After 30 days I unlocked my door, and peace came flowing in. I could breathe again. I could smile without pain. I was free again.

Yes, I was free again - so free that I soon ran into a man whom I had known for some time. In fact, I had always had a childhood crush on him. Then it happened: He noticed me, and he accepted me and my son - which really swept me off my feet. I thought anyone who could love someone else's son had to be special. Within that one month I felt wanted again, important to someone, loved and needed.

I married him and we moved to another state. Later I would discover that the move to another state was part of his plan to keep me totally helpless.

We had four more children. Focused on raising them, I failed to look at my own life and well being. I could see only the good things that he would do for my children. He always had the money to give them everything I wanted for them. I had never had much as a kid, and he knew I wanted my children to have more.

I could not see the truth of the violent situation I lived in. I thought it was okay. After all, every couple fought sometimes. It just happened that we fought a little more than others did - and I always lost the fights. I had unconsciously grown to believe that the only way one could be loved was through pain. If too much time would go by without a punch or kick, I got frightened because I would think, "Maybe he doesn't love me any more." So I'd cause him to hit me, and then I would feel safe again.

I was married to a master of manipulation who convinced me I would die without him. He knew the exact times I would have a need or fear, and he would come to my rescue. Little did I know he had set up all those situations, causing me to suffer to the point of fear. Then he would mount his white horse, draped in dollar bills, and come riding to save me. He was my hero, a hero that would boast to my children as he held them, "See, Daddy can always make things okay, 'cause Daddy loves you."

He was always there to take credit. And he was always ready to humiliate me in front of others by blaming me for the failures in our marriage and our children. Even in church people saw him as a wonderful and loving husband and father, unable to do wrong. "How fortunate she is," women would whisper. How they wished they had such caring husbands! He brainwashed me to believe that I could not live without him, especially so far from home, with no family and friends.

Years have gone by. Hospital records and police reports remain as evidence of the violence I endured and the amount of "love" he had for me. He knew what I was missing in my life. He knew the neglected feelings and emotions that made me run away. He clearly understood what a child wants most - to be noticed, loved and held.

And how did he know this? Could it be that he'd never been loved as a child? He received the message that he wasn't 'good enough to be loved by those he loved, and he viciously took it out on me.

Unless you live this kind of life, you can't fully understand the pain and the fear. Yet I say, "Thank God you don't understand," for the pain of living in a violent relationship is something I would not wish on even my enemies. No one should have to live in a house where she is beaten repeatedly, with no one aware of her need and no one missing her when she doesn't appear in public again until the bruises are gone.

My good news is that both time and a close relationship with the Lord have brought me to a healthy point in my life. In his pain and anger over our divorce, my husband tried to get even by taking my children from me and leading them into a world of drugs and violence. My children must account for their own lives. Now as a mother and grandmother whose sons sit in the company of their father in federal prisons, I take every day seriously. Every night I ask God to show me how I can show my children, grandchildren, and friends how to avoid a life such as mine.

The Lord has shown me that I had the answer inside my heart all the time. The answer for the future is to give our children hope and provide them with warmth and love. Notice them, accept them, spend time with them, listen to them, laugh and cry with them. Love them with a healthy love in the grace of God.

If you are experiencing the pain of family violence and need immediate help, we invite you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

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